Doubts III

As we walk the spiritual path, we often question many aspects of our experience:

Have I found the perfect practice for me, at this time of my life?

Do we always need to look for something “better”?

Sometimes I seem confused and wonder if I am doing the practice correctly?

I am lost. I want to feel grounded.

I feel so alone. Can I really do this all by myself?

Am I really all alone? Do I have enough, or any support?

Are there benefactors in my life I can rely on to be there for me?

Is all this practice doing me any good? Am I a better person today?

I still feel like I am on a treadmill going nowhere. Where is the progress?

I sometimes feel confident and sometimes confused. Why?

These questions arise for us all, including me. If we get caught in confusion or doubt, then we take these feelings to heart and we can feel lost, or alone, or frustrated, thinking that I am the only one who feels this way. We start to feel separate from others and lose our confidence that we will be okay with life. I am destined to suffer and I see no way out.

One of the antidotes to this type of doubt is recommended by my teachers. From time to time, every few months or so, we need to pause and look back on our life. We notice what has changed, not in our life experiences so much, but how we react to them.

Have I changed at all this year? Have I experienced any moments of peace and calm? Am I able to approach my life with any greater equanimity, allowing the space for my experiences to unfold, and responding with more kindness and care?

It is only by looking back and noticing these changes that ARE happening that we can reinforce the confidence to stay on the spiritual path and not feel like a “bull in a spiritual china shop.”

And, when we practice with a group, we can see that the experiences of others mirror my own at different stages of practice. So, I can see that I am not alone, but part of a greater field of caring beings.

Carmen Bernos de Gasztold captured this spirit in his “Prayer of the Elephant”:

Dear God,
It is I, the elephant,
Your creature,
who is talking to You.
I am so embarrassed by my great self,
and truly it is not my fault
if I spoil Your jungle a little with my big feet.
Let me be careful and behave wisely,
always keeping my dignity and poise.
Give me such philosophic thoughts
that I can rejoice everywhere I go
in the lovable oddity of things.
Amen