I Got Nothin’

Well… I got nothin’.

Usually when I sit down to write, I have an idea of what I want to share with you. Sometimes I even have an outline or draft that I have been working on during the week that makes my work on Saturday much easier. Today, not the case.

If I knew what I wanted to say, I am sure it would be something about how the meditation practices that we do inform, influence, and intersect with my daily life. You know I always say, “If your meditation isn’t helping you off the cushion, then you are wasting your time on the cushion.” So, there would be something that happened to me during the week that instantly brought me back to my practice with an awareness of how all the mindfulness and insights that arose ‘on the cushion’ just came into focus in this situation in my life.

Sometimes that moment of awakening awareness occurs at the perfect time and I engage with another being in a fully present, thoughtful, and supportive way. Hopefully helping to make their lives a little better: less stressful, more joyful, more mindful, more loving, more loved and appreciated. Most of the time, however, that is not what happens. The awareness dawns just after I realize that I was caught in some habitual pattern of reaction where I was angry, resentful, jealous, defensive, prideful, greedy, etc (just assume it was one of the 7 deadly sins). Now comes the time when our practice of compassion is often the most difficult. Practicing compassion for ourselves.

Why does it always seem easier to be kind to others, yet so difficult to cut ourselves a break when we screw up? It is hard, but that is the practice in this moment (and in every moment). Aware that we did not act with our best mindful intentions, that we were caught in some unskillful pattern of behavior, we offer ourselves Forgiveness for being human.

We offer ourselves Forgiveness for being on the path, still walking ourselves (mindfully) toward awakening, but not quite there yet. And I make the commitment to be more fully aware in the future, to be a more skillful actor on this stage of life.

Then, I allow myself to be embraced with the love, compassion, and caring that is always present in my field of care. This energy of support and care is always available, we just have to be willing to allow ourselves to receive it. Receiving the knowledge that we are accepted just as we are, with all our faults and all of our beauty and all of our awareness (or lack thereof).

So, I guess that is what I am doing now. Just letting myself be bathed in the loving care from my benefactors, knowing that it is okay that I have nothing to say today. And that is it. Today.