No One’s Listening

Did you ever have the feeling that while you were talking, no one was listening?

Well, last Wednesday, during our online weekly meditation, after the initial ten minutes or so, I hit the mute button (for some reason), and didn’t hit unmute. So, for the next 15 minutes, while all those in the group were resting in their field of care, I was leading them through the “On-the-Spot Tonglen,” a practice for working with difficult emotions that arise in practice and in daily life. I eventually opened my eyes to check the time and saw that I was muted. Well, didn’t I feel dumb! What a perfect segue into using the Tonglen practice to work the embarrassment and self-criticism that I was feeling. Fortunately, all worked out well for all those involved, including myself.

The practice is not designed to “get rid of” any feeling, but rather to accept the feeling just as it is, recognize that others experience the same feelings and connect with all others who are suffering in the same way, and send the wish of healing to all. Notice that nowhere in this practice do we say or even have the intention to “take my difficult feeling away.” Yet, in connecting with others, we find more space for our own feelings and our attention turns to compassion for others, rather than self pity.

Here is the quick version of the practice that you can do any time, in as little as a minute or so, in the midst of your busy life.

When you find yourself in a difficult or uncomfortable situation in you daily life:

1. Allow yourself to feel the difficulty fully in your body and mind.
   
2. Recall that many others experience feelings just like this.
   
3. Now, recall you are always held in absolute compassion by your benefactors, receiving the felt sense of loving care into mind and body.
   
4. By accepting this loving, healing energy from your benefactors into your own suffering feelings, imagine that you are accepting it into everyone’s similar feelings.
   
5. Envision that all these other beings become free of their suffering through your wish and experience great joy in their relief. Allow yourself to share their joy.
   
6. Finally, relax deeply into oneness within the radiance of care and compassion.

You can also go deeper with this practice, spending more time with each step. There is a more complete version of this practice in the post, On The Spot Tonglen.

We often do this practice around the Holidays, not to dampen the Holiday Spirit, but to recognize that big yearly celebrations and meeting with large groups of family and friends often lead to triggers that bring up difficult feelings. If we can work with these feelings as they arise, we can more fully enjoy our time with others.