What Do I Say?

I have a friend who was going to an event and she knew that there would be some former friends there who were still holding a grudge against her for something that happened years ago.

The reason for the grudge was that her friends didn’t like the way a certain relationship was going and blamed my friend for the “problem,” even though it was not a problem for the two involved in the relationship. To tell the whole story would take a couple of pages and involve a lot of gossip, blame, and hurt feelings. So, I won’t go into details. The end result however, as happens so many times, is that there is one whole family holding a grudge against another.

My friend knew that she would be meeting with, and would have to speak with, some of these people who had been “the difficult ones” in her life. She asked my advice for what to say to these people who were holding a very strong grudge against her. I asked her how she felt about these people who obviously were not happy with her. She said that she still loved them, as they had been very close friends in the past, and would love to reconnect with them. She just didn’t know what to say to them to open the door.

In the Buddhist tradition there is a saying about holding on to anger or holding on to any negative feeling like a grudge:

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

A grudge is based in anger and will fade away if not fed, not renewed. You can’t just ‘have’ a grudge, because it will fade away like any other thought. You have to HOLD a grudge, constantly remembering and renewing the anger you feel to keep it from fading away. In the Buddhist way of thinking, you are just grasping that burning coal more tightly each time you think of your grudge. That which you hold in your mind grows stronger in your life.

Now if you loved someone and wanted the best for them, even if they were angry with you and said they didn’t like you, then you would not want them to experience being burned by this hot coal of anger for the rest of their lives. You would want to give them the opportunity to drop the hot coal of anger and resentment.

The advice I gave my friend was simple, just tell them you are glad to see them again!
That sincere expression of happiness and joy is the opportunity for them to see that their grudge is one-sided. It is not harming my friend as much as it is harming those who are holding the grudge. Showing that you care for someone gives them the opportunity to drop that hot coal and reconnect with you in a loving and caring way.

However, only they can choose to drop the hot coal. If they don’t choose to let go of their anger and resentment, our compassion may only grow even stronger for them, because we know they will be holding that in their mind all the time, renewing their anger each time they think of you. This awareness may give us the desire to keep opening the door for forgiveness, with the intention of relieving the pain and suffering they continue to feel around this grudge they hold.

Perhaps there is someone you would be happy to see again, or talk with again, even if you don’t imagine they would like to see or or talk with you.

Perhaps there is a door of forgiveness you can open for someone. Holding that door open is an act of compassion for the other.

Even if they choose not to drop that hot coal, or walk through that door, then your mind will be holding onto loving care and compassion rather than anger and resentment. Your life will be better for holding that door open. That which you hold in your mind grows stronger in your life.

May you be well and happy and find what needs to be dropped or forgiven in your life.